March 2012
0 posts
Apparently, I am an ideal voice match for Pauly D. #CareerMoments
February 2012
36 posts
Trying to catch a quick nap between errands. Friend had to swing over to shave his beard into an “Amish beard” for a last second audition. Roommate is having gay sex that sounds like sneezing bulldogs. It’s like trying to sleep in a carnival.
Congrats to the @groundlings Jim Rash. You and Nat just did that ish! @Rashistvugly
http://cablenewsguy.com/John%20Stossel's%20Illegal%... →
Selling lemonade. Growing trees in your yard. Holding Bible study in your home. Even helping the government can then get you fined and imprisoned by the government. If you honestly believe that government is too small, or that we just need a “more efficient” state, you aren’t paying attention.
“If Ron Paul got the ring of power, he’d throw it in Mt. Doom. He’s not in this for his own power, it’s about reforming government.” - Doug Wead - Senior Campaign Advisor
#PullingTheNerdVote
7 tags
Ben! Melissa! Jim! Nat! May the good fortune of 1,000 Chinese New Years be with you! Also, please touch Joan Rivers face for me!
“When you eat pork, your white blood cells increase, just like they would when you have an invading infection.” - Some guy on Franklin
#HIPPIESMAKEUPTHECRAZIESTBULLSHIT
18 cop cars, 2 undercover cop cars and a chopper heading west on hollywood…some ish is going down.
I’m a Beso racist. If you are standing out front of Beso, I have a deep seeded prejudice towards you and your kind; and I think you should be forced to sit in the back of the stretch Hummer you drove up in.
I’m bustin literary references, with beautiful sentences. If prose was borders, I’d be puttin up some fenceses.
homeless guy. Pirate hat. Yes.
“I’m dirty. Movin’ coke through the turnpike. These niggas call me Michael Jackson cause they know the Don’s turnin’ white. I live the ghouls life, movin’ with the moonlight. 100 bricks in the dark’ll turn the room white.” -Don Dada
I am, without a doubt, less given to hyperbole than anyone that has ever existed.
I just cooked a solid dinner while playing a video game. #NotAllAtOnceLadies
1 tag
I don’t know anything about college football, but I really hope the Ravens draft Vontaze Burfict. That name is straight ballin.
Hey nerds. Hot tip…you can blog, vlog, livetweet and rant about how bad every new Star Wars event is, but if you do so after slapping down cash to see it, George will continue to give it to you. #YourMoneysWorthMoreThanYourNerdRage
If I was an animal, I’d be a straight up Pimpapotamus. #realtalk
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I am 100% on board with all the Chris Brown hate, but let’s have a little perspective. Half of the music, art and literature you love is made by complete degenerates. Dude didn’t invent hitting women.
1 tag
When I see tons of loving couples out on Valentines Day, I just convince myself that those are two more idiots who have removed themselves from the dating pool and saved me time… And people say I’m not an optimist. Ha!
2 tags
I have resolved to never vote for the lesser of two evils….but….If Rick Santorum were to get the GOP nomination. There is a very strong chance I would vote for Obama. THAT’S how bad Rick Santorum is.
Holy knife-fight, go see #chronicle.
2 tags
Goddamnit. Facebook just gave me that new goddamned shit timeline. Yes, everyone always complains about FB changes. But I seriously hate timeline. Its like someone made a time capsule during an earthquake.
“This song makes so much more sense now that I actually AM living life in the fast lane. Thanks Don Henley.” - Random awesome drunk in the bathroom
7 tags
Mitt Romney- Top three donors are: Goldman Sachs, Credit Suisse, and Morgan Stanley. Ron Paul- Top three donors are: U.S. Army, U.S. Navy, U.S. Air Force.
Today’s wins: Human decency, rationality. Prop 8 ruled unconstitutional.
Tomorrow’s losses: Human decency, rationality. Same assholes that started prop 8 will challenge and appeal again because you can’t seem to slow this hate train.
Bought an espresso maker, made meal plans for the week, and got all my groceries and gas at costco. I am hurtling towards my 30s with a ruthless efficiency.
The curse of the dropped pass follows the boys of foxborough…lee evans, good job on that hoodoo.
Good spacework, aaron hernandez.
“give me all your love, AND give me your love ” -madonna
“Don’t ever, don’t EVER drop your head when it comes to a loss, dog. Because there’s too much pain outside of this that people are really going through. This right here makes us stronger. Let’s understand who we are as a team, let’s understand who we are as men. Let’s make somebody smile when we walk out of here.” - Ray Lewis
“So come on down, and I’ll chew on a dog!”
Almost got into a fight with kiefer sutherlands overzealous friend. #storiesforoldage
Ladies, I don’t know the pain of menstrual cycles, but I HAVE coughed with a boner, and that’s gotta count for something
#Romney is a complete douche-nozzle, but people are being pretty shameless about this “very poor” comment. Tackle the man on the things he’s actually saying and doing wrong.
January 2012
48 posts
When I honk my horn at someone because I can’t yell at them, I think “This must have been the frustration Helen Keller felt.”…”And they wouldn’t even let that bitch have a car.”
The simple act of getting up before my alarm and turning it off so I don’t hear that awful noise gives me the energy of a 1000 suns…Also, my ability to wake up mere moments before my alarm makes me think I have some borderline super powers.
Tomorrow, I get to pitch sketches for a valentines show, go and be considered for work just because of my voice, then drive to one of my favorite cities to make people laugh with some of the kindest, most talented people I know…and thats not too uncommon an event. #AllThingsConsidered #PrettyFuckinLucky
Relieved. Lighter. Better. #MaybeAboutSomeShit,MaybeAboutAShit
Wait a second, Mitt Romney’s rich??!? #MoveOnPeople
I wanna open up a competing fast food chicken restaurant called Chick-Fil-Gay #AllProceedsGoToGayPeopleForWhateverTheFuckTheyWantToDo #Chick-Fil-A
Pretty poop day from start to finish. Only one cure…Shooting zombies in the face.
Everyone PLEASE keep talking about joe flacco….he WON that game today
#300 on blu-ray =zomgnerdgasm
I’m all for doin’ yo thang, but maybe if so many people dislike you that you invent plural labels for them like “haters”, you should spend less time coming up with clever ways to “brush them off”, and more time considering the possibility that you’re an asshole.
I met someone named Pistachio. #daymade #lifecomplete?
I roll through good. Y’all pop the trunk, I pop the hood…Ferrari And she got the goods And she got that ass, I got to look…Sorry Yo it’s got to be cause I’m seasoned. Haters give me them salty looks…Lawry’s
#KanyeIsAGeenus